This may be a symptom of some type of antisocial disorder, but I still find it strange that people become so overjoyed to hear that someone has gotten engaged or married. I guess it probably comes from the fact that I have come to feel that taking a relationship to "higher" levels is similar to shoveling mounds of dirt out of your own grave as you stand in it wondering how it keeps getting deeper. A couple of times recently, I have found out that people I know have gotten engaged and the excitement in the air was palpable. The girls were giddy and the guys were chummy... and my stomach was churning, which is probably another warning sign that I might be a bitter asshole. I would never say these things directly to the newly betrothed in their moments of respective glee, of course; but regardless of the level of elation around me I can only feign enthusiasm in these situations. In fact, I am sometimes genuinely confused as to whether to offer congratulations or condolences; especially in situations in which I know both the bride and the groom and the impending news of a breakup was just as likely as news of an engagement.
I think that my personal fear of marriage is a lot deeper and more profound than it should be. I once had a nightmare - a nightmare, not a dream - in which Kristen Bell was chasing me through a building with a fiery resolve to take my hand in marriage. In this nightmare she turned up around every corner in horror movie fashion as I scrambled for an escape. For the duration of the dream I ran from her the way you might run from a chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear on a flaming motorcycle with mounted machine guns; and her only weapons were a pretty smile and a twinkle in her eye that said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I remember that at the end of the dream I thought I had lost her, but as I rounded a corner at the end of a hallway I found her standing and waiting for me alongside a justice of the peace. As she looked into my eyes and started reciting her vows the horror became strong enough to physically wrench me out of my slumber. I realize how ludicrous and how egotistically inflated this nightmare was, but that didn't stop me from waking up short of breath in the cliche cold sweat that comes with all night-terrors. That morning I realized I might have a bit of a problem as far as societal norms are concerned.
I think that one of the most amusing reasons that people break up is that one member of the relationship doesn't seem to care to get married to the other. It's ironic in its simplicity: love me more or I can't love you anymore. It seems to me that this type of ultimatum has more to do with personal insecurity than it does with love. This type of thing seems to come up often in relationships that are already strained in some way. Ultimatums in relationships are generally used to replace lost trust. The fact is that if you have to coerce someone into doing something, that person didn't want to do it in the first place. This goes triple for marriage, sex, chastity, strict bondage, and making someone read your blog.
Life is short (I guess), so I can understand why some people feel a certain urgency in matters of love and family-rearing. I've explained before that I don't believe life is too short so I won't repeat my reasons here, but many people live by the hourglass and make decisions based on how much time they think they have left. I think this can be both good and bad. It helps prod people into developing productive behaviors but it also helps to corral them into situations in which they feel content but not entirely fulfilled for fear of losing solid fixtures in their lives. Almost every day I hear someone say something along the lines of; "well I'm already (insert age here), I gotta (insert plan of action to attain complacency here.)" The inserted age is usually somewhere in the late twenties to early thirties, which should be the prime of your life, not the time to stop moving.
I think that if your prime came in your high-school years, you have seriously deprived yourself as an adult. In your late twenties through your early thirties, you can be as physically and mentally capable as the healthiest senior-year brat while possessing an additional decade of knowledge and life experience. Also, your physical complexion and communicative skills are (hopefully) vastly improved. This is the time to really have the best times of your life. No, you are no longer "young and stupid" in the generally accepted sense, but you are still young and you still have some stupid ideas to get out of your system. The problem here is that most people in this age bracket don't share the same lust for life. Most of them are beginning to crave nights home on the couch with a glass of red wine and an episode of Project Runway. Routine takes precedence over experience, life stagnates, and the years start to rush by at blinding speed.
I guess it just boggles my mind that people expend so much effort to get to a point at which they can stop expending effort. Those of you that have been reading this blog from the beginning might recall this phenomenon as The Great Quest for the Mediocre. There are very few people who simply allow life to happen without wondering about the direction or consequence of every step and every word. There is something to be said for considering the consequences of certain actions but the way I see it, most of us aren't going to matter much once we're gone anyway, so why agonize over every inconsequential piece of minutiae that occurs each day? People sometimes ask me what it is that I have to look forward to in my own life with this attitude. If you have no plans for a family or anything, then what do you even have to look forward to?
I don't know, I guess. I suppose I'll figure that out when I find it. I have found that it's easier to look forward to the little things. I look forward to writing another page of material, a good workout, finishing a new song, having a good sexual experience, having a drink, a good laugh, the notion that Jurassic Park IV might not suck; whatever the next moment of happiness is, I look forward to it. I suppose that seems shortsighted, but it works for me. Looking too far into the future is usually cause for unrest.
On that note, I think I just decided to have a drink. See you next time...
I think you may be on to something here. Living in the "now" is certainly less stressful than, say, worrying about your next car repair bill, or whether or not your boss will agree to giving you a couple of days off next month. Yep, I am gonna stay right in the "now" with you. Gotta go, my wine is calling.
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