Much of life tends to happen in cycles. There are small cycles of behavior and consequence such as having your coffee and subsequently passing a soft and healthy stool, or having a good orgasm and subsequently falling into a restful and beatific slumber. These cycles have a quick turnover and tend to happen every day or at least more than once a week. Then, there are the larger cyclical events. These are the things like relationships, stints at various places of employment, and lifestyle changes.
The first time in your life that one of these large cycles comes to an end, it can seem like the end of life itself. The first hit many of us take is the death of a grandparent or other relative. This is the first time most people are faced with mortality and the fact that nothing that is here one day is guaranteed to be there the next. The first time this realization hits you, your life changes. You become more observant and appreciative of the things around you. After a while though, the smaller cycles in your daily life work to mend the damage caused by the snapping of the larger one. Then, eventually you are in the midst of the next large cycle.
Let's assume that this next cycle is a relationship. This one is interesting because within the large cycle of a relationship, there are a number of smaller cycles that seem universal to all relationships. You can almost classify the stages of an average relationship in the same way you can classify the five stages of grieving.
1.) Eagerness- In this stage, there is an intense curiosity and a need to get closer to the object of one's cupidity. Any action taken by target individual is cause for celebration and further study and/or inquiry. This is the time where nervousness is at its height due to the deliberate aloofness often projected by both involved parties. Phone numbers are generally exchanged in this stage.
2.) Excitement- This stage is the most dangerous and deceptive and should be traversed with great awareness and objectivity. In this stage, almost every thought and action throughout the day somehow comes back to the cause of one's new-found tender itch. It is easy and almost automatic to overlook things that one does not like about the target in this stage. The target must remain perfect in the eyes of the subject for fear that the previous three to six weeks have been wasted and that the initial eagerness was unfounded. Often the subject will also assume that the undesirable qualities of the target will wane with the passage of time.
3.) Comfort- This is where most of us start to fall into the real trap. At this point, the two subjects have learned each other's faults to a point and are not afraid to fight from time to time. At this stage the word "love" has been used but only at times when it was accompanied by a real feeling of love. Sometimes, in fervent moments, "love" can even be accompanied by curse words, as in "I fucking love you" whispered with heated breath into the ear of a partner. The word still means the world to either subject when uttered. Given all of these things, the excitement has mostly worn off and the pair has gotten to know each other quite well, eliminating any mystique or curiosity. Sexual experimentation is implemented in order to keep things interesting. The subjects in this stage will do each other's laundry and brush their teeth in the bathroom while the other uses the toilet only feet away.
4.) Lassitude- The couple fights more often and regularly finds reasons to do things without each other. By this point, the couple usually lives together and has discussed or even proposed marriage. Nitpicking increases greatly from the comfort stage as the reality of each other's invariable presence sets in. Moving in together didn't really make things any better, but getting married surely will. If that doesn't work, the couple can always fall back on having a baby in order to patch things up. Great effort is still expended to keep things civil or even pleasant in the household, though most conversations cover only topics that affect financial standing and directional tendency of the relationship. A breakup is not discussed for fear that a breakup would mean that the previous six months to two or more years have been a waste of time, energy, and money. Sex is reserved for times of pure necessity. The word "love" is still used frequently, but its use is no longer accompanied by the same feeling. It is generally used at the conclusion of phone conversations and before departing each other's company for the day in order to keep any suspicion of loss of interest at bay. Forgetting to cap a conversation with, "love you," will likely result in an immediate, concerned callback.
5.) Apathy- At this point, the relationship is well past its expiration date but the parties will not openly say it to each other. The fear of having wasted time in the relationship begins to take a backseat to the fear of wasting more time. The word "love" is spouted as compulsory habit and is barely heard when said. At this point, each of the members of the relationship may be experiencing Stage 1 or even stage 2 with someone outside of the relationship. Once the breakup occurs, the stages of grieving kick in at a rudimentary level as at least one subject from the couple analyzes the entire relationship in search of what went wrong and when it happened. Many times, Stage 1 with someone new will sneak up on the subject in this vulnerable state and dull the pain or even eliminate it altogether as Stage 2 approaches at a blistering pace. The previous relationship is chalked up as a learning experience as the new, superior one grows. So ends and begins the most common "large cycle" in most of our lives, The Relationship.
I think that recognizing the fact that these cycles exist is paramount to moving forward when one of them ends. It also helps to prevent falling immediately into identical situations back-to-back. Also, if you are currently deep into stage 1 or 2, you will probably think that stages 3-5 are bullshit even if they have happened to you before. Well, there are anomalies in the universe and your relationship may be one of them. I never said that some couples don't work out in the long run; this is merely my own pseudoscientific analysis of the average relationship.
This post wasn't initially going to be solely about relationships but to cover more than this in one post would probably feel more like homework than entertainment to read, so until next time; stay predictable, San Diego.
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